Small Reminders: The Good

Even with this love hate relationship that is exchanged between my reproductive organs and internal self, there are a few things I could give it a fist bump for. Actually, exactly two that were more invaluable than any price life could put on it.

Two times little beings lived in my for 9 months of my life each time. Each filled with their own souls with beauty that could never be the compared. I am talking about children. I call them beings as they will always have to choice to find themselves in the crazy spectrum of gender and sexuality.
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The first little being taught me strength for myself before they were ever born. When my heart became so stressed from the possible threat of losing people from my life I would feel a little kick. This small kick calmed me. It reminded me to find strength within myself. This being was brought into the world January 6th of 2012. The physical sex was male and we decided on the name Dakota no matter what.

If only I could had borrowed this strength from them longer I would had because soon after my heart was heavy with depression.  A dreadful weight that still haunts me to this day in the silent backgrounds of my dreams. Overcome with depression this now very young being, only weeks old, was soon to be placed with a new family. One that didn't have the capiblities of creating their own. This was Dakota whom was filled with strength and determination.

The second was a shock. Still struck with the grieving of placing our first for adoption, I spent most of the first part of the pregnancy feeling a heavy weight of doubts. Obviously I would love this being when they graced us in this world but there were just so many heavy feelings not dealt with.

Part of my memories are a bit foggy as afterward depression warped my memory. Mid September they were brought into this world. Another healthy little one. Also born with the male sex. But this one was clever, kind, and with a strong sense of understanding. Don't forget a love of sitting on the motorcycle with me. This was Evan.

Time passed and the intellect only grew. Charm seemed to follow this one without a problem and two seconds without your full attention and they were gunning for the thing that was full of curiosity. The marriage was crumbling. Both of our mental healths were in decline. When it came time to separate it was decided that we would soon place this new being with their sibling so they could grow together.

It was the grace of some higher being because in a heart beat it was set. Today they are almost 3 and 4. Their eyes gleam with hope and happiness. We were blessed to have found a couple that not only wanted them to know their roots but them to know that they have 4 parents that love hy them, not just 2.

So even thought I hate this organ currently occupying my body, I must thank it deeply. I must thank it for the who beings that entered my life from it. These two beings were light in the pitch black night. They are what taught love in all its puree joys and heavy shadows. I have to thank it for my children.

The Path to Genderfluid: We are Human

It should seem like such a simple thing. In our first and mature state we are humans from the point of being carried in a womb to death. A collection of cells organized to create organs and tissues in patterns that are simple and yet complex.

This simple complexity doesn't leave us as we grow. It expands like the universe surrounding us. It starts with feeling. What does the grass, the air, the wet dirt feel like? How does a hot cup of hot chocolate bring such comfort on a cold day? Forever expanding.

As we become aware of ourselves we start looking at gender, sexuality, passions, and talents. Things that all grow in a fluid unfixed movement. But when we find our fluidness with gender how it becomes confusing. Isn't there only supposed to be a limited amount of genders? So why don't I feel like any of them? The complexity sets it.

We are human first before we are male, female, nongender specific, you name it. As human we have many parts of us. Many type of self expressions. Gender and sexuality is fluid as well. Is it so hard to believe that one can feel a range genders? Yet it leaves many in such a twisted confusing knot.

Step away from thing we know as society and look into oneself. Feel how you resonate, the vibration of the functioning organs putting off energy inside of us. The complexity steps away and we are human once more without the expectation of certain social interaction. Hold on to this feeling and come back. How does it feel now to just exist?

Maybe we should live like this more often. Aware of the simplistic truth that we are humans,not needing to be specifically male or female. That we Don have to love a specific sex. That we can just grow and expand. We should take note from our universe. Find the seemingly never ending stars and grasp them in our hands.

We are human first and foremost.

The Road to Genderfluid: Is It Brave to be Ourselves?

So we find ourselves on the path of coming out to ourselves and others. The path a bit rocky and sometimes a bit lonely even if we have travelling companions to keep up moral along the way. Your friends all you brave but how? How is being oneself brave?

In a world of turbulent societal norms it can be hard for one to have the the integrity to not fall behind masks to feel more accepted. In a world where sexual assault and rape are common place yet rarely persecuted.  A place where someone who is trans can be killed simply for "tricking" someone. This world is not kind to things that are outwardly different. Every human that exist feels a fear of self-expression in some way or another. We are all terrified out an outcome that is caused by being truly authentic.

So I ask, is it brave to be ourselves? No, it shouldn't be in a world that is more accepting than the one we live in. But we can not truly help the world, we can however surround ourselves with people that bring those feelings. While it is not brave as and inward feeling, it takes strength to face the cruel thoughts and words of others. It takes trust that it may lead to a place that one day is not so fearful. We need knowledge of ourselves to know the directions we must take.

What is the biggest comfort for you on this journey? Was there any major losses that detoured the path? And what keep you strong?

Introductions: Genderfluid and What It Means

When there is beginning and end, weak and strong, sure and unsure many of us find ourselves in the middle. Whether it be the middle child, the less comfortable and defined parts of sexuality, and even in the middle of gender norms.

 I am a middle child stuck between being a mother and not, as a birth parent, and trying to find my place in the world of genderfluid. What is Genderfluid? Genderfluid is exactly as it sounds. Somedays you feel the quiet strength of the feminine, while others you find the physical and mental boldness of the masculine.

For sometime I have known that I was not exactly cisgender, where gender and physical anatomy are aligned, or transgender, where gender and physical an to my are in opposite of each other. The strong sense of just wanting to be a being was always heavy on me. Being born female, the lack of being taken seriously like to male would has always shadowed me. Yet begin treated to gently may had been the only thing to keep me sane. Only lately have I began to outwardly explore these parts and desires, not that it doesn't come with it's own disphoria.

This disphoria is not like that of complete misalignment. It is the swing of being comfortable some days and even okay with your form, voice, perceived treatment, and so on associated with your physical sex that day. Other days you wish your voice was a different pitch, that you had a completely different wardrobe, bone structure, and reproductive system. It is a constant swing based on the day and sometimes hour and it scares me. How will it be perceived in the work place? Will the fear making the vocal cords slip into the higher tones? Will it break the perception in goal just because 25 years of being accepted as female is a depressing yet familiar thing?

How did you deal with coming to terms with your fluidness of gender? What drove you to step out and be brave?